–Dan Kelly, Attorney

Last year, I posted a passage from Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to put us in a right mood for Christmas Day.  This year, I give you some images from Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory”:

Of the ingredients that go into our fruitcakes, whiskey is the most expensive, as well as the hardest to obtain:  State laws forbid its sale.  But everybody knows you can buy a bottle from Mr. Haha Jones.  And the next day, having completed our more prosaic shopping, we set out for Mr. Haha’s business address, a “sinful” (to quote public opinion) fish-fry and dancing cafe down by the river.  We’ve been there before, and on the same errand; but in previous years our dealings have been with Haha’s wife, an iodine-dark Indian woman with brassy peroxided hair and a dead-tired disposition.  Actually, we’ve never laid eyes on her husband, though we’ve heard that he’s an Indian too.  A giant with razor scars across his cheeks.  They call him Haha because he’s so gloomy, a man who never laughs. As we approach his cafe (a large log cabin festooned inside and out with chains of garish-gay naked light bulbs and standing by the river’s muddy edge under the shade of river trees where moss drifts through the branches like gray mist) our steps slow down.  Even Queenie stops prancing and sticks close by.  People have been murdered in Haha’s cafe.  Cut to pieces.  Hit on the head.  There’s a case coming up in court next month.  Naturally these goings-on happen at night when the colored lights cast crazy patterns and the victrola wails.  In the daytime Haha’s is shabby and deserted.  I knock at the door, Queenie barks, my friend calls:  “Mrs. Haha, ma’am?  Anyone to home?”

Footsteps.  The door opens.  Our hearts overturn.  It’s Mr. Haha Jones himself!  And he is a giant; he does have scars; he doesn’t smile.  No, he glowers at us through Satan-tilted eyes and demands to know:  “What you want with Haha?”

For a moment we are too paralyzed to tell.  Presently my friend half-finds her voice, a whispery voice at best:  “If you please, Mr. Haha, we’d like a quart of your finest whiskey.”

His eyes tilt more.  Would you believe it?  Haha is smiling!  Laughing, too.  “Which one of you is a drinkin’ man?”

“It’s for making fruitcakes, Mr. Haha.  Cooking.”

This sobers him.  He frowns.  “That’s no way to waste good whiskey.”  Nevertheless, he retreats into the shadowed cafe and seconds later appears carrying a bottle of daisy yellow unlabeled liquor.  He demonstrates its sparkle in the sunlight and says:  “Two dollars.”

We pay him with nickels and dimes and pennies.  Suddenly, jangling the coins in his hand like a fistful of dice, his face softens.  “Tell you what,” he proposes, pouring the money back into our bead purse, “just send me one of them fruitcakes instead.”

“Well,” my friend remarks on our way home, “there’s a lovely man.  We’ll put an extra cup of raisins in his cake.”

The black stove, stoked with coal and firewood, glows like a lighted pumpkin.  Eggbeaters whirl, spoons spin round in bowls of butter and sugar, vanilla sweetens the air, ginger spices it; melting, nose-tingling odors saturate the kitchen, suffuse the house, drift out to the world on puffs of chimney smoke.  In four days our work is done.  Thirty-one cakes, dampened with whiskey, bask on window sills and shelves.

Yum.  Merry Christmas to all!